Go easy on yourself, okay?

*posting this rare picture of me wearing glasses and actually wanting to be photographed, even though for the half of my face. Oh look, there's Hanani and Hikmahtul too hehe. Relation with this post? Nothing, I just wanted to remember the times I felt alive.

                     

Its hard to go by a day with so many raging war inside of yourself. Its seriously is like something you've put so much care upon but at the end of the day, you keep lighting it up on fire. Its like that same rose that you tell how majestic it is but ended up watering it with gasoline. Its hard. Its hard to not be at peace with yourself when all this time you've spent so much effort on nourishing and telling yourself how it is important to practice 'self-love'.

 

Its hard when you keep beating yourself for the past mistakes you've made and hoping that one day, you'll forgive yourself. Its hard. Its hard when you constantly need to fit in with the rest of the crowd yet you constantly feel disgusted by yourself for not being good enough.

 

I'm right here telling you to be okay with yourself, even when I know you don’t want to hear it. Not from me, maybe not from anybody. Because the truth is, you want to be okay by yourself. You want to be able to finally say 'I'm okay' or knowing deep down you'd be, by yourself. You wanted to feel at ease by your own will, not by the narrative of somebody else's.

 

Trust me, I've been there. Hitting myself constantly to sleep just because I had a shitty day and that the rest of days would remain the same. I didn’t want to though. I tried escaping these by imagining myself being loved by many cause yknow what they say, if you can imagine it only then can you achieve it. I thought by imagining myself loved and cared for, I would finally had the reason worthy enough for not beating myself up. But I misjudged.

 

I misjudged, not knowing how ridiculously exhausted I was gonna be, letting other people perceptions' control how I'd live my days. Knowing the unbearable fact that I was somebody's daughter, sister, friend, neighbour, grandchild made it super hard for me to keep hitting myself again and again because they'd be sad to see me like this, right? (Or at least that's what I thought).

 

You know what, you're probably right.

 

But

if there's only one reason worthy enough for you to not slap yourself this time,

If there's only one reason worthy enough for you to not call yourself a complete dumb ass,

And if there's only one reason worthy enough for you to not cry yourself in pain to sleep,

Let it be this one;

 

Because you are an ultimate creation of His.

You are the wisest, most kind-hearted, most-loving creation to ever walk this magical Earth, remember?

 

Don't you feel a bit honoured by that? I know I did and still am.

 

See, the reason for you to not be so hard on yourself is within you and your beautiful heart. He created you with the utmost respect and vision, knowing you'd bring peace and justice to the world, ((or at least to yourself)).

 

Now tell me, pray.

How would you be able to make peace happens when you, yourself aren't at peace to start with.

 

A fire can't help put out another fire, love. It has to be water. No other options.

 

All this said, you'd knew deep down that you have to be okay with yourself and only then can you not let other people dictate how you are going to feel.

 

 

Well, here's to smile about, knowing that better days are definitely coming.

And here's to full courage and passion to put the fire within ourselves, out.

 

Miza Sharil, 

SDK.

(posting this just bcs i needed some distractions, and um okay, jom sambung buat assignment)