So, i (finally) wrote something...
Hi. So its literally 0234 am and yes, i cant seem to get my eyes shut. and yes, i do have my classes tomorrow, in which starts at 830. And yes i do have my night replacement class for tomorrow (today i mean). And yes, i haven't sleep for the whole day till this very moment.
So as a normal human being, who has trouble falling asleep, i would do like what a normal person should do. Counted sheeps, bawa berzikir, performed prayers even. But lets face it, my heart isn't that much consoled by that. Maybe i wasn't doing it full on sincere or by god knows what reasons but no, i still cant sleep. So i decided to write.
Cant believe its only January and we already have so much going on gosh. Personally, i'm tired. Like seriously. I know I've been promoting this so-called-positivity and this benefit-before-dying-thingy but i'll be honest now; Lord, i'm tired. I'm tired of having to stand up each and every day for myself, i'm tired of the personal urge that i needed to keep sane in everything i do, i'm tired of doing things that i don't channel enough effort towards, i'm tired of keeping up with this whole positive and life-is-good-thingy when all i ever experienced was plain pathetic and grief. And above all Lord, i'm tired of having to hold it in all together and to hide it with a strong smile, bcs you know big girls cant cry.
Truth is, i'm not and i still do, cry. Like right now, typing this out using only lamp from my study lamp, hoping i don't wake my roommate up any sooner cause she deserves her beauty sleep.
So 2020 started with me really beating myself up for not achieving other people's milestones. I know, dumb right. But there i was, comparing each and every aspects of my life with another 'beauty with brains' achievements. I was desperate to achieve something in my life that i needed to feel super proud of and that i can finally say 'wow, I've made something'. When in reality, i haven't achieved anything. Safe to say in every aspects. Even now i'm terrorizing my mental and body health by not giving my body the rest it needed (when i know i could be having pounding hearts, trembling hands due to restlessness tomorrow in class) but hey, bear with me.
I just needed to write.
And pour my heart out.
And to heal, once again.
And even till this very part of writing, my tears cant even stop rolling down my cheeks for God knows what reasons.
You know, once in life. Just once in life, i wished i knew what was wrong with me so that i could just focus my energy, working on its cure. I wished, once in life i could be really transparent when people came up to me and goes 'Miz, kau okay?'. I really wished i knew. Like for once in life.
But i didn't, so i kept reassuring myself that i was okay (or most probably will and this will pass) but i end up crying and whining like a little baby in the middle of the night.
\\ you perfectly know that something is not right when you sit there, staring at those plain empty walls; begging for God to heal you and make you whole again.
Since i did not plan on writing this at the first place, might as well end this spontaneously.
Why did i wrote this?
Because for me, writing heals. Writing can get all these unsaid feelings out of me, without me being afraid of getting judged and all that bullshits.
So, don't mind me. I'm just trying my best to heal.
Till then, stay safe and sane everyone!
x,
mz.
So as a normal human being, who has trouble falling asleep, i would do like what a normal person should do. Counted sheeps, bawa berzikir, performed prayers even. But lets face it, my heart isn't that much consoled by that. Maybe i wasn't doing it full on sincere or by god knows what reasons but no, i still cant sleep. So i decided to write.
Cant believe its only January and we already have so much going on gosh. Personally, i'm tired. Like seriously. I know I've been promoting this so-called-positivity and this benefit-before-dying-thingy but i'll be honest now; Lord, i'm tired. I'm tired of having to stand up each and every day for myself, i'm tired of the personal urge that i needed to keep sane in everything i do, i'm tired of doing things that i don't channel enough effort towards, i'm tired of keeping up with this whole positive and life-is-good-thingy when all i ever experienced was plain pathetic and grief. And above all Lord, i'm tired of having to hold it in all together and to hide it with a strong smile, bcs you know big girls cant cry.
Truth is, i'm not and i still do, cry. Like right now, typing this out using only lamp from my study lamp, hoping i don't wake my roommate up any sooner cause she deserves her beauty sleep.
So 2020 started with me really beating myself up for not achieving other people's milestones. I know, dumb right. But there i was, comparing each and every aspects of my life with another 'beauty with brains' achievements. I was desperate to achieve something in my life that i needed to feel super proud of and that i can finally say 'wow, I've made something'. When in reality, i haven't achieved anything. Safe to say in every aspects. Even now i'm terrorizing my mental and body health by not giving my body the rest it needed (when i know i could be having pounding hearts, trembling hands due to restlessness tomorrow in class) but hey, bear with me.
I just needed to write.
And pour my heart out.
And to heal, once again.
And even till this very part of writing, my tears cant even stop rolling down my cheeks for God knows what reasons.
You know, once in life. Just once in life, i wished i knew what was wrong with me so that i could just focus my energy, working on its cure. I wished, once in life i could be really transparent when people came up to me and goes 'Miz, kau okay?'. I really wished i knew. Like for once in life.
But i didn't, so i kept reassuring myself that i was okay (or most probably will and this will pass) but i end up crying and whining like a little baby in the middle of the night.
\\ you perfectly know that something is not right when you sit there, staring at those plain empty walls; begging for God to heal you and make you whole again.
Since i did not plan on writing this at the first place, might as well end this spontaneously.
Why did i wrote this?
Because for me, writing heals. Writing can get all these unsaid feelings out of me, without me being afraid of getting judged and all that bullshits.
So, don't mind me. I'm just trying my best to heal.
Till then, stay safe and sane everyone!
x,
mz.
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